Porcelain Heart
by jennnn228
Summary: Sometimes you had to die in order to find Heaven...literally. Contains mature content. Review Please


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto...*runs to sob in a random corner* Why?

If only I knew. If I had known it would have made life a hell of a lot easier. But I didn't know. Didn't want to know. And now regrets hang like storm clouds over my head.

Or a fairly bad hang over.

It's been so long since the chunin exams. So long since my team fell apart right before my eyes. The raven haired betrayal burned, like a cigarette had been pressed against every inch of my body over and over again. Or as if someone had dumped a vat of acid on me and all I could do was stand and watch my flesh give way to it's toxicity. No matter what way I thought of it, all the options never came close to the feeling.

After he had left it felt like everyone else was taking a hint and dropping out of my life. The annoying and loud shinobi Uzumaki Naruto left to train with Jeraiya soon after the attache. The cold embrace of silence banged against the folds of my mind. Sometimes it felt louder. My old sensei Kakashi disappeared. The word around was that he was trying to research on what happened to Sasuke. The words that came to me were 'he will always be more important even if he is a traitor.'

**Go figure. **

I took the initiative and became the Fifth Hokage's student. Tsunade-sama trained me even after it was obvious I had surpassed her. Time flies when you are in your own little bubble. But it took only three words, the one needle, to break through my barrier. 'We found him.'

I ran that day. I ran as if there were demons after me. And there were. But not any I could see.

**I could feel them. **

I felt their claws running over my legs. I heard their voices calling out to me. Telling me there was no hope. The past would never rest in peace. But it would always leave me lying in pieces. So I ran until my legs felt aflame and my muscles resisted movement. I had no destination in mind. But your subconscious will sweep you away and leave you stranded in the one place you do not want to be. So there I was. In front of the gate.

Too many people had used that way to walk out of the world I had so carefully built. I could feel the breath hitching in my throat. My pink hair blew widely about my face. My emerald eyes wide in realization.

I could keep running. I could go walking. Or even crawling.

I could leave my prison cell. A cell without bars. A prison without locks or restraints. The way out was under my feet, was in front of my eyes. And yet...

I couldn't leave. I couldn't take those extra steps and officially be outside of Konoha. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

**So I went back. **

I felt this weight on my chest grow heavier as I strode into the heart of the beast I called home. The eye of the tornado I called my life.

Life...what a terrible tease.

They say the most beautiful thing is the birth of a child. It was a blessing on the world and the ones who became the gates for their souls. But what about the child? Did they ever question about whether the child was blessed? Whether it was beautiful and such a miracle for them? What if they grew up to be one of the strongest ninjas in their village but they were empty shells with no heartbeat and nothing to look forward to in the morning other than 'Great more blood on my hands?'

**It isn't a blessing. I wasn't a blessing. I was the curse. **

And it stayed that way for a long time.

I finally met up with Naruto after God knows how many years. He practically jumped me as soon as my pink hair gave me away. It always had a way of getting me into shit. Mostly being recognized. After we met up Kakashi decided to challenge the both of us together. Funny how when Sasuke's involved he magically poofs back into the picture. It would take Jesus holding Santa Claus's hand, skipping merrily over a leprechauns rainbow, while wearing pink tights and a tutu for him to show up in any other situation. Which you can see is highly unlikely.

So we took up the challenge. I knew Tsunade only wanted to show off what she had taught me. I often noticed she was a tad bit bitter towards Kakashi. When I pointed it out she gave me her 'I'm innocent' look. I once heard her talking to her assistant about a good-for-nothing-obsessed-like-a-pedophile-lazy-narcissistic-asshole. As soon as Kakashi's name was dropped I was pretty sure why she didn't take a liking to him.

He never put any effort into training Naruto and I. Sure he taught us a few tricks but his all over focus didn't ever seem to include us.

**It was always about Sasuke.**

He had to help Sasuke. Orochimaru would hurt him if he didn't train him. Sasuke's cursed and he needs the extra attention. He's up against the most dangerous shinobi in the chunin exams. He'll die if he doesn't spend time with him.

Bull shit.

All the excuses, all the anger and frustration that I felt seemed to resurface as I launched my fist pumped with chakra at his face. I didn't get the satisfaction of wiping his blood from my gloves. But I did knock down a few trees.. or maybe more than a few.

**Good enough. **

Naruto was all hyped up to go retrieve his 'friend'. Like a dog looking for his old chew toy he kept us going, kept us running. I didn't mind. The numbness in my legs was a great distraction. I didn't want to get hopeful. I didn't want to believe we would find him. But a piece of me did. I felt the longing to reach out and know that I would touch flesh, that I would be able to run my fingers through his raven hair. I wanted to push that longing so far down that it could possibly never resurface.

But I was hoping. I was dreaming. Sleepwalking. Sleep running.

Running away from the hope that I wasn't dreaming because walking felt too slow.

And in the end maybe letting myself dream for a while would have been better. But I didn't want to dream. Or sleep.

So I took watch after Naruto stuffed his face with ramen. Kakashi wanted me to sleep as well but he finally gave up after a good hour or so. There were usually stars that lit up the black quilt warming the sky. But that night was starless. An omen of what was to come.

We set off at sunrise the next day. Every hour, every minute within every millisecond that passed filled me with as much dread as it did anticipation. What if we did find him? What would we say? The realistic part of me knew what he was going to say. That he wasn't coming home with us. Not until he's had his revenge.

The part of me that I hated with a fiery passion of my soul plus a thousand suns seemed to think in the opposite direction. Not optimistic direction. Optimistic would be he'd tell us he isn't coming back and then leave without trying to kill us. The opposite would be he would give himself up and we could live happily ever after.

That added on to the hatred already burning within myself.

Whenever I looked over at Naruto I saw him so determined, so focused. He kept rambling about what he'd do to make Sasuke come home. It made me envy his ignorance.

When we got there however the neither the optimistic nor unrealistic happened. It was far worse. Not only did Sasuke refuse to come with us but he also tried to hurt Naruto . And in turn hurt me. Again.

The pain of my soul turning into metal and sinking down to the pit of my stomach while dragging my heart like an anchor along with it did the trick.

**I broke. **

I had taken many blows before. Countless to be exact. And each time had left myself cracked. But never broken. It left me crippled. But not paralyzed. Cold but not frozen.

But this time was different. It was like he had reached his hands into my body and ripped out the batteries like he would a dolls string.

Lifeless. Pointless. Hopeless. Breathless. Why was it that every time he was close by I always got 'less' and never more?I could feel my eyes filled to the brim of their containment. And like a damn giving way under pressure, the tears began to fall. And wouldn't stop. I didn't want to give in to the sorrow, to the demons and their toxic lullaby's. That would make me weak. That would prove that I haven't grown since he saw me last.

**But I couldn't win. **

So I allowed my knees to give out under the weight if my cries and absorbed the hits as they came. Not physical. Mental. The soil and blood on my hands, on my gloves, made me feel dirty. I could still sense his chakra as he walked over to me, spitting words of how I hadn't changed. I still sat back and did nothing. So I did the only thing that would satisfy me.

I filled my hands with all the chakra I could manage and punched a crater into the ground right by his feet.

The floor all around us caved for miles. He jumped back, obviously surprised by my strength, and took off without another word. I didn't need to reply or defend myself.

All that it took was a bit of chakra and a reason. And dammit all, it felt good.

We had to drag Naruto back to Konoha to report the mission as a failure. Tsunade sighed heavily and by the way her eyes darkened I knew that she had expected this. As did I. So why did I feel surprised? Why did I regret accepting the mission if I knew what he would do and say?

**Why did I let myself hope?**

All those months that passed were a blur. I went from the hospital to Tsunade's, then had a mission about every few months, then went back to the hospital. It was an endless cycle of work for 12-14 hours then training for another four hours. And if I could fit sleep somewhere in my already cramped schedule than it would be no better than a minute man would. Bliss would be temporary and I would wake sooner than I should have.

I got tired of it. I was sick of healing people who were just going to go out and be wounded again. I was worn out from training until my muscles cramped and my bones cracked just to always be the weakest link of team 7. I was done with it all.

**I wanted out. **

So after my night shift in the hospital was over I waited for the whole life in Konoha to settle and breath together as one person, one heartbeat. One dream.

**Then I ran. **

I climbed stealthily over the wall so no one at the gate could identify me and jumped to the other side, landing gracefully on my feet. I didn't take one last look over my shoulder to say goodbye. I had already done that years ago. I was just waiting for the moment to take leave. And now I had.

I was engulfed by a daze of green and black. I couldn't comprehend how I didn't hit a tree in complete darkness. But then again I was usually awake at this hour anyhow. My eyes had adjusted after years of night training and many more of sleepless evenings. Who knew it would contribute so beautifully to my escape?

I didn't stop running until I knew I was in the heart of the forest. Leaning my back against the rough bark, I took a breather. I would start up again and not stop until I got to my destination. I couldn't afford them finding me before I could get there. Tsunade would surely notice my absence. And the fact that I hadn't taken any of my belongings. It would appear foul play or maybe that I was too lazy to pack. Then another thought occurred to me.

What if they didn't notice I was gone? What if I was simply forgotten like a toy beneath a child's bed? Maybe it would be better that way. Then they wouldn't waste their time looking for a ghost.

I never really believed in Heaven. How could something so pure and far away be any more real after life then during it? Hell sounded more tangible and less impracticable. Considering if you've visited it on a daily basis. Satan will probably start complaining I pass through too much. Now I can assure him I won't get dirt on his welcome mat.

**Not anymore. I was there to stay. **

I didn't realize when I drifted off. I only knew that I did. There was no way that I was a child again. Being picked on because of the way I looked. Then I was behind a maze of books studying for exams. I drifted among repressed memories that resurfaced one after another. From my years in the Academy with Iruka-sensei to being assigned to Kakashi with Naruto and Sasuke. The mission with the man building the bridge. Fighting Haku and Zabuza at the river. Fighting our way through the Forest of Death and being matched with Ino-pig at the chunin exams.

All the insignificant and life changing experiences that had led to where I was floated hazily in my view then sank into pitch black as another was pulled from the back of my mind. When I awoke I knew I had slept for longer than I planned to. Judging from the position of the Sun and the incredibly horrendous taste in my mouth I knew it was at least a day and a half after. "Shit they could have found me by now" was all I could mutter through chapped lips and a dry throat.

I continued onward until the trees began to fade and the temperature warmed up. I knew where I was headed would take another day to reach conceding it was in the middle of the desert. I stopped by a small stream and camped out there for another night. It seemed that whenever I closed my eyes the movie of my life would start where it last left off...the moment I met the sand siblings.

I could never forget that day. Konohamaru calling me ugly. My blood pressure sky rocketing. His steps as he ran. Then bumping into the puppet master Kankuro. I even snickered as I remembered the blush on my face as Sasuke appeared just in time to save the day. Like a true hero. Or a very convincing villain.

The girl with four pony tails and large fan stood behind Kankuro in a semi bored and tad worried stance. Then came the eyes that haunted me almost every night after I risked my life to save Sasuke...Gaara of the Desert.

His crimson hair, black rimmed eyes, and monotone voice had always sent shivers down my spine. I was amazed when I heard that Naruto had defeated him. I would have cheered him on, if I hadn't been busy being crushed by sand.

**Thanks Sasuke. **

I was even more bewildered when he became the new Kazekage of Suna. Naruto wouldn't shut up about it. I swear that kid could mope for weeks if you let him. But he got over it and instead of wallowing, he took it as a new push in his journey to becoming the next Hokage. It just comes to show how much he's grown up. In a weird bipolar kind of sense.

I wandered through the desert. It was hotter than Hell's kitchen. I bet Naruto could have made a joke about how Satan called and he's complaining that the air conditioning broke. But at that moment he was one of the last things I wanted to think about. Time went by so much slower than usual which heightened my awareness of everything from the sweat dripping down my cheek to the way my tights clung to my thighs.

I felt like melting into the sun's wrath but then I saw something flicker in the distance. My usually steady heart hammered within the confines of my chest.

Next thing I knew I was running to the edge of the oasis.

I had been there a handful of times when traveling through the desert. It was always a pit stop for camping because it happened to be the only abundant water source in the desert for miles. And it had the deepest waters in Suna.

**A perfect place to die. **

I can't remember how long I stared at the water for. The way the light reflected off of its body was mesmerizing. I sat and watched the rays dance as I bathed in the light. The sun didn't feel that hot anymore. It felt surprisingly warm. I felt like a child, pure and untainted. I wanted to throw myself into that light and be consumed in it. I didn't care if I perished. I just wanted to lose myself in the warmth before it went away.

I stood and began to walk through the water. I didn't care about stripping my clothes or my shoes. None of that would change anything.

I relished in the feel of the cold water licking at my ankles than engulfing my legs and torso. As I walked, it felt like I had been wandering through a dark tunnel and I had now seen a shred of hope. Of light. And all I yearned for was to submerge myself before the tunnel closed off again and everything went dark.

**So I did. **

I breathed in my last breath and dived head first into the mouth of my savior.

It wasn't as people said it was. There were no flashbacks or memories. No voices of the people I cared for. Nothing. There was just the sound of my lungs giving way and the waters whispering the sweetest of things. I kept my eyes open and focused on the light above my head. I wanted it to be the last thing I saw as a reminder that there really was a Heaven on earth. You just had to kill yourself in order to find it. Literally.

I felt my breath leaving me and a burning sensation spreading like a wildfire through my chest. I had never felt something so real and alive. It made me want to stay within the waters embrace forever. But I knew better than to dream. I was a realist and knew forever was a myth. There was only this moment to cherish. Only the feel of my body numbing, pulse slowing, and lungs burning would I take with me to Nirvana.

And just as the edges of my vision became blurred akin to the corners of a lens losing focus I saw a flash of red. Hell had come for me after all. I felt the corners of my mouth turning up in the first smile I'd had in ages then succumbed under the luscious oblivion that set me free...

**Or so I thought.**

Next thing I knew I was coughing up a pool of water on the oasis's grainy surface. At first I assumed some ninjas from Konoha had caught up to me and pulled me out but as I blinked back and my eyes adjusted to the light I saw Hell. And I was right about it coming for me. It came to drag me back up again.

Gaara sat a few feet away from me. His eyes were still rimmed with black from lack of sleep. His red hair was longer now, a little passed his chin. His face lost its childish roundness and became more angular. If I had been honest with myself I would have admitted he was quite attractive.

He was looking down at me with the same stoic mask and emotionless eyes. I could only see a tint of concern that was easily quenched when he caught sight of me staring. His eyes were rather beautiful. I tried to stand but his hand pushed me back down. "Don't" was all he said. I looked at him as if he were crazy. Did he really think one word could stop me?

To test this I tried again only to have him push me down again and give me a glare. Now that was more convincing. I rolled my eyes than laid on my back. It was freezing now that I was out of the water. I longed to go back. I turned my head in his direction and croaked "How did you find me?" He sat with his legs crossed in black fishnet and normal civilian clothing. He looked to me and answered "Tsunade contacted me after you went missing. She said that you didn't show up for work and that when she sent someone to look for you you couldn't be found. None of your belongings were taken so they suspected trouble. Some trackers said that you were probably headed in the direction of the desert based on evidence they found in the forest. She asked me to keep an eye out for you."

So they did remember me. That wasn't what I wanted. "How did you know I would be here?" He shook his head "I didn't. I just knew that if you were traveling through the desert without supplies you would more than likely need to stop here." I turned my head away and didn't answer. It was silent for a while until his voice broke through the tension. "Why did you try to drown yourself?"

There was a simple explanation. But for the life of me I couldn't wrap it together. So I settled for "Because I wanted to". His eyes turned to me harshly and it felt like he had pierced daggers into my body. I flinched involuntarily at the coldness in those jade orbs. "Many people are worried sick about you. Naruto has been on a rampage looking for you and for whoever 'kidnapped you.' How do you think he will feel when he discovers that you left so you could kill yourself?" My own eyes hardened and I found strength in my words.

"Why does it matter to you? I know about your childhood and the harshness that overtook you. You would have committed suicide were it not for the demon that wouldn't let you. So don't come around preaching to me because it only makes you a hypocrite."

He look stunned for a minute then his eyes narrowed. "That is different. I had no one that cared for me. You do." I sat up quickly and felt a pain in the back of my skull. I winced for a moment but then ignored it. "Why does it matter if I have people who care and you didn't? Does a cut hurt any less when you have someone to kiss it or just the sting to comfort you? Is life more fulfilling when you have people by you rather than being alone even when it's those certain people that make you miserable? Don't tell me that it's different because it's not. I don't hurt any less than you did."

His eyes were wide at my statement and I didn't care that I had spilled my guts to basically a total stranger who also happened to be an ex killer. All I wanted was the release that he took away from me. And now he needed to know what he had done.

"I have spent years pulling myself together for the sake of the people around me. Pretending to be happy, pulling smiles and laughing at jokes I never found funny. I could never cry or I was told I was weak. I could never wallow or I was ambushed by questions of 'are you okay?' Never was I allowed to feel sadness because for some god damn reason I had to pretend the sun was shining and the birds were chirping. Everything had to be okay. I'm tired of pretending. My sun had fallen years ago and the songs they hear are dead to me. How can they...how can you...expect me to live out the rest of my life like nothing affects me? Like nothing can touch me? I may have monstrous strength but that does not mean I'm invincible. I need to escape! I need something!"

Traitorous tears gathered at the front line and I lost the war a million to zero. They tumbled down my cheeks like waterfalls and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just sat there balling my eyes out in front of the most dangerous kid at the chunin exams. Maybe that was what I needed along. A person to bitch at and a chance to cry. Really cry without holding back.

I didn't feel his arms circling around me or when he pulled me into his chest and let me cry into his collarbone. I only knew that he was there and because of that I needed him. We sat there as I cried and he stroked my pink locks still damp from before. I felt something inside of me, equivalent to a match being lit. I was unusually warm although I was soaked from head to toe. I started to notice things like how I could feel his muscles through my wet clothes and his shirt. His smell invaded my nostrils and filled them with the scent of spices and earthly wonders. It was no less than intoxicating.

His breath at the nape of my neck made me shiver. But not in the same way I used to whenever he was around. He looked down at me and began to rub my arms with his hands. Apparently he was assuming I shivered from the cold. That was the last thing I was thinking about. I was too distracted by all the strange sensations that were going through me to notice anything other than his body against mine and his hands on my arms. Before I could think it through my hands had lingered from clutching the front of his shirt to caressing the length of his arms. I felt his whole body stiffen but my fingertips continued to make their way down his arm than right back up at a slow pace.

I smiled as goosebumps spread across his arms wherever my fingers trailed. Gradually his hands fell from my arms to grasp my own. They felt so small compared to his but it did not concern me. He was so warm. I looked up into jade pools asking for something I didn't know. I just knew that I needed it from him and no one else. He looked at me with confusion swimming in his eyes. I couldn't explain why I became anxious or why my heart sped up. I didn't know him. I didn't even like him.

**But I needed him. **

It was pure, raw compulsion that drove me to wrap my arms around his abdomen and embrace him tightly. He was stiff against me for a moment, but then he relaxed and hesitantly enfolded his arms around my waist. It only contributed to my already racing heartbeat. When the Sun was near setting I heard him say something about heading back to Suna. I numbly nodded but did not relinquish my hold on him. For the first time in a long time I feared losing another person. Eventually he reached back to gently unhook my arms and ask if I could walk. I wanted to know myself so I stood only to be dizzy and fall right back down again.

He caught me before I could hit the ground and picked me up bridal style. I muttered something about 'being heavier than your average package' and saw his lips quirk slightly at the corners. I was guessing that meant he was amused. The motion of him walking and the sound of the sand beneath his feet made me doze off and when I woke up I was on a very comfortable surface. I looked around to see if I could find anything familiar but was met with darkness. After my eyes adjusted I rose midway and saw Gaara sitting on the windowsill. He was looking outward with such a complex gaze that I found myself staring at him. The moonlight reflected so well off of his pale skin that it illuminated him and gave him an iridescent glow. It made him look more angelic than he ought to.

**And more enticing. **

He must have noticed that I was awake because he looked over and asked "Why are you staring at me?" I felt the blood rush to my face, turning me the color of my hair. Me blushing? What was I 12? I looked away with red tinted cheeks "I wasn't staring." His lips quirked at the corners the way they did when he had carried me. It was awkward until he spoke "You are right." I looked up at him puzzled "About what?" He turned that entrancing gaze on me. The only place I yearned to drown in was his eyes. "You were right about there being no difference. I was wrong to set your pain on a lower pedestal than mine because you had friends. Everyone's pain is the same whether you are alone or surrounded by people."

His voice lowered and his eyes darkened. "I just never understood how anyone who was enveloped with so many people could possibly feel the way I did. Everyone hated me and so I came to hate the world and also myself. Love was weakness and only held one back from true invincibility. When people died protecting their friends and family I only saw it as they had fallen for an empty cause." His eyes softened as he looked out the window "But after Naruto had defeated me I realized there was something worth fighting for other than the rush or the blood. I could protect others and it would only make me stronger. His words encouraged me to become the leader of the village that once despised and feared me. Now they lean on me for guidance and protection."

He looked over at me and I could feel his gaze looking through my soul to where it rested at the bottom of my sea. "It isn't the end for you. You shouldn't let the ones that bring you down take away what is rightfully yours. You should embrace the one's that help you rise and appreciate whatever time you have with them. Because you will never know how much they mean to you until you lose them." His words stripped me of whatever I had planned to say and left me speechless.

For once the word 'less' filled me more than I knew. I didn't know who he was. I didn't even like him. But I felt this need in my porcelain heart to have him melt me down and remold me in his hands. I slowly stood from the bed and looked down at myself. I wasn't wearing my normal clothes but a silk black nightgown that fit me snugly. "Where are my clothes?" I managed to choke out. "I had Temari take them to be dried. She dressed you in one of her old gowns so you wouldn't get sick."

I nodded and walked to his side. I kept in mind to thank his sister when I saw her. "I also contacted Tsunade and let her know where you are." A shock of nervousness ran down my spine and my became cold. "Did you tell-?" "No" he interrupted, " I didn't tell her about what you did. I merely told her that I found you near Suna and that it would be best if you stayed awhile before heading back." A wave of relief washed over me. She didn't know about my attempted suicide. If she did she would have killed me herself.

He gave me a hard look "But I would like you to tell the Hokage yourself." I looked mortified, "Why?" "Because the people who love you deserve the truth." I didn't reply to his request and just stared at the moon that hung lazily in the night. I did not want to tell them. Not only would they kill her but they would also be hurt.

**But he had a point. **

So I took a deep breath and sighed out "okay." "Hn" was all he said as his attention turned back to the lunar glory above us. For once the silence that took place wasn't awkward or tense. I found comfort in the sound of our breathing and noticed how the quiet didn't bug me all that much. I looked around the room and my curiosity kicked. "Where am I exactly?" "My room" he replied quietly. The blush returned with a vengeance and lit my face on fire. I stared down at my bare feet and mumbled "oh." My gaze went from the bed to him. I felt bad that he only had the windowsill to lay against.

I reached out and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me curiously. God, when in blue hell did those eyes become like magnets? They just kept pulling me in..."Sakura" I shook my head and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I kinda lost my train of thought. Your eyes are extremely distracting." I covered my mouth with my other hand. What had I just said? He smiled crookedly in a way I found adorable. Adorable? Okay maybe that cold water and lack of oxygen gave me brain damage. If I was under water for approximately five minutes and my lungs began to burn at three and with the depth of the water and pressure against my chest... "Sakura" I blinked a few times before my eyes rested on his face creased with worry.

Or maybe that was irritation.

I saw that he was now standing with my face cradled in his hands. For the second time that day I felt my heart running a treadmill. The proximity between our faces was only a few inches. It felt like miles. "Why do I feel like you give me hope? I don't know you. For all the things that you've done and all the lives you've taken, how can I feel so close to you?" The words left my mouth before I had a chance to cut, copy, and paste. His eyes grew wide, then softened with a glint of something I couldn't describe. It was smoldering none the less.

Without a second thought or a first thought to start with, I closed the distance between us. My heart fluttered like a cage of birds were let out. His lips were like stone but then came to life, moving with mine. He was so warm. So soft. With each moment that passed I felt more and more addicted to his scent, his taste. He tasted like rain and earthly beauty. The kiss went from soft and tender to heated and passionate. His tongue glided over my bottom lip and I parted to begin a war.

Our tongues clashed desperately. Each of us searched for something we couldn't understand. We only knew we could find it in the other. My arms rested on his shoulders as his roamed softly from my cheek to the small of my back, then rested at the curb of my hip.

**My skin tingled wherever his hands went. **

Eventually he won and plunged his tongue into my mouth, massaging it along my cavern. A felt the moan leave my throat as my hands tangled in his hair. I never truly knew what 'need' meant until that moment. He backed me against the window and left my mouth to plant kisses on my cheeks, jawline, and chin. I gasped as his teeth grazed the flesh of my neck, leaving marks I knew would greet me like bruises in the morning.

**But I couldn't find it in me to care**.

He licked a line from the my collarbone to my ear, only stopping to nibble tenderly wherever he found sensitive.

I knew he was teasing me.

It not only turned me on, but it pissed me off that he made me so breathless without having gone under my clothes. So I let my arms fall from his shoulders and traced a pattern from his chest to his abdomen. He stopped his attack on my neck, making me smirk. I pulled him from his shirt to nibble on his ear which made him pull air between clenched teeth. His hands stayed immobile at my sides as mines tore him of his robe and mesh undershirt.

I relished every bit of smooth, hard muscle that I grazed as I had his arms. He looked even more god like with the moonlight reflecting from his pale skin. I ran my tongue from his chest to where his shorts met. His breath came out ragged as I left bites on sensitive spots. I slowly rose while pressing myself against him teasingly. He glared at the wide smirk on my face. Without hesitation he lifted me from my bottom and laid me on the bed, letting his hand run up my thigh. I felt myself growing increasingly warmer by the minute. He pressed wet hot kisses up the insides of my thighs while his hands tortuously ran up the outside as I had his torso.

**The copycat.**

I moaned as he slid his tongue near the bikini line. He smirked at my flustered face which made me send daggers of death through my emerald eyes. It only made his smirk widen. He hovered over me to press his lips against mine, just for a taste. He pressed another to my forehead, my eyebrow, the corner of my mouth, going lower every time. When he got to my breasts he licked the space between them, leaving a trail of heat. I arched my back, wishing he would continue his sweet exploration of my body. He took my hands and pulled me forward.

I whimpered for a moment as he pulled the nightgown over my head and threw it on the floor. My mind was clouded from all the pleasure coursing through me. I had never felt so free, so unmasked. I didn't have to pretend or be anyone else. I was Haruno Sakura, the pink haired kunoichi that was in bed with ex psychopath Sabaku No Gaara, and that is all I wanted to be. He pulled my perk nipple into his mouth and sucked on it as he massaged my clit with the pad of his thumb.

**I felt like dying. It felt way too heavenly to be real. **

I groaned from the intensity building up, my breath exasperated. I reached down and as I pulled his shorts away, I grabbed the base of his shaft firmly. All motion from above me stopped. He groaned into my neck as I pushed and pulled his member. He grasped the bedsheets tightly, his breath hot against my skin until he came into my hand. He let out a groan, regaining his breath. After a moment he took my thighs and spread me beneath him.

It had never bothered me about being a virgin. Sex was never really on my 'to do list' (no pun intended) and with all the horrors of people leaving me I never thought of giving myself to someone before. But here I was in bed with a killer who I barely knew ready to give him the only sense of purity I had left.

I didn't care. All that was of any concern was that he made me feel stronger than I knew I was. He touched me as if I were flesh and not glass, but just as delicate. He looked at me like I were any other person. I wasn't any less than he was. He talked to me without sugar coating words and beating around the bush. He was tangible. He was real.

So when he looked at me with question in his jade orbs, I had no doubt in my mind, whether optimistic, other, or, pessimistic, that this was what I needed.

**I needed to feel. I needed him. **

He pushed into me slowly until he was fully buried within me, then waited. I winced at the pain that shot through me. The feeling of something tearing through me was not something I found pleasant or enjoyable. I bit my lip to keep from crying out. I could feel Gaara's eyes on me as I began to soon as the pain left, it was replaced by something that made me gasp.

It felt like he had reached into my soul and woken me from a bad dream.

My eyes snapped open to his still form rested on his elbows. The look on his face, the guilt, sent sadness through me. He thought he had hurt me too much. I lifted my hand to his cheek and let the pad of my thumb caress the line of his jaw.

I nodded for him to continue.

At first it was a slow process, most likely he was seeing what I could handle. But then he was pounding into me with such a force I thought I would break from the pleasure. My nails raked his back as I moaned blissfully beneath him. The sound of his breath in my hair, the feel of his thighs brushing against mine, imprinted itself into me without burning. Consumed me without eating me away. Every action was significant and affected me the same.

Then I drowned into oblivion as my muscles tightened around him and I came. Shortly afterward he came and laid against me, his breath hard and uneven. I rubbed my hand against his back. My entire form was on fire. He lifted his face and stared down into my eyes with the most captivating expression. An expression that made me want to jump him.

I smiled warmly, a true smile and rested my head against his chest. He leaned down to capture my lips before I drifted into sleep, my body aflame.

The days I spent in Suna made everyday seem that much easier. I helped around the Kazekage tour. Sometimes Temari would pop up and drag me on an all out shopping spree. And the days I wasn't in the office or the market I was with Gaara. He showed me every nook and cranny you could find in Suna. I saw the way his eyes warmed when people parted ways for us to walk. Not out of fear, but of respect. Days were filled with laughs when the siblings fought, and nights abounded with moans echoing off the walls.

In total I spent two weeks there. Gaara would write every few days to assure Tsunade of my 'progress.' And in the blink of an eye I found myself at the gate. When I looked at Gaara's torn expression an unspoken pain was exchanged between us. There was no telling when or if I would be back. He couldn't leave his people to come with me. We were trapped by our positions and the duties that bounded us. He pulled me by my waist into his arms. I felt myself breaking all over again.

**Or maybe this was how it felt to be broken**.

"Please don't let me drown" I pleaded into his ear. I didn't need to die. He was my escape. He grabbed my face and kissed me fiercely until the need for air burned at my lungs more than they had under water. "I won't" he whispered. And it was those words that kept me from going back to the oasis.

When I returned to Konoha practically the whole village jumped me with mixes of joy and anger. I embraced all of my friends with a smile and cherished them as I should have. I had to summon all the strength I could to face Tsunade. I grasped every emotion that passed through her eyes as I explained my sudden disappearance. She stood from behind her desk and hugged me tightly. I sobbed into her shoulder, apologies spilling from my lips. She merely clutched me closer to her and let me cry.

Everything from then on in went by unhazy. Days were clear and focused. Gaara and I exchanged letters every few weeks. With the new treaty coming up he was ten times busier which left me ten times more anxious. I virtually died waiting for word from him. Two years passed that we didn't see each other, but we never lost touch.

**Then everything changed.**

I was called into the Godaimes office a few months after a peace treaty was made between Konoha and Suna. There were elders from both villages present which made me nervous. Were they here because something occurred in Suna? Had something happened to Gaara? I sat beside Tsunade as she explained my presence among the meeting. It was time for the Kazekage to get married and to finalize the treaty. A wife was to be hand picked from both villages.

**And it was me**.

I nearly exploded with happiness, squealing on the inside like some kind of school girl. The light at the end of the tunnel wasn't to be found at the bottom of the oasis. It was found in the most unusual and unexpected places. I found it in a demon. I was right when I had said Hell had come for me. It had. But he only helped me rise in order to give me a heaven tangible and within reach. I'm a realist not a dreamer.

Thanks Sasuke.


End file.
